


The Plants Can't Breath Down Here

by ImpishHaechan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Established Relationship, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung-centric, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, childhood friend! johndo, johnny and yuta aren't there but boy are they mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 07:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18615913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImpishHaechan/pseuds/ImpishHaechan
Summary: Jaehyun looked at Doyoung expectantly, because normally when you drop a monologue on people, they respond. Doyoung just looked right back, eyes blank, and mouth opened dumbly. He snapped it shut and refocused his eyes, making sure to try and meet Jaehyun’s eyes.“One second,” Doyoung mumbled as he scrambled to the bathroom and promptly vomited.





	The Plants Can't Breath Down Here

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song Plants by Crumb, I recommend you give it a listen!
> 
> TW for frank discussions of PTSD and Trauma.

Doyoung hated yogurt. He hated the texture, some god awful liminal space between a solid and a liquid. He hated the way you eat it too, the plastic containers were wasteful and rinsing them out before recycling was a pain, not to mention the yogurt container was an imperfect shape. It was meant to be eaten with a spoon, but not all of it can be reached with the dull spoon shape. It was a poorly designed food and it inhibited its own existence.  
But still, Doyoung ate yogurt, because he had to on days like this when it was all he could keep down. Yuta had left a yogurt container on his bedside table this morning along with a post-it explaining his plan for the day: had two back to back lectures, and his work-study he’d be back home around seven. At the bottom of the note in Yuta’s tight scrawl, he had written that Doyoung had “better eat more than just yogurt” by then.  
Yuta was a good roommate, he had left him yogurt but he was still Yuta which meant he was a bit of an ass and that the yogurt was his least favourite flavour the kind with fruit chunks. So now, here he was sitting cross-legged on his queen-sized mattress on the floor, eating blueberry yogurt with chunks for breakfast at 2:48 on a Tuesday afternoon.  
He felt so hollow, like a hundred-year-old tree that had its insides burned out just so some crazy man in the woods could live in it. He remembered reading My Side of the Mountain with Johnny in the fifth grade, a book about a teen running away to live in the mountains, foraging and hunting for food and living in his very own burnt out tree. Johnny had liked it more. Johnny was had been his best friend since grade two and always the more adventurous of the two, he loved to fantasize about running away and going on grand adventures. Doyoung, on the other hand, didn’t like the book because the main character was selfish and reckless. Doyoung didn’t fantasize about running away, but he liked to fantasize about running ahead. Of moving past the complications of the present and into a simpler future. He didn’t need some outlandish tall tale, he was perfectly content to be healthy, and loved, and happy.  
Doyoung couldn't wait to be happy. That didn't mean his life wasn't dotted with moments filled with unencumbered laughter, pride in his accomplishments, nor comfortable silences. It just meant he didn't want to wake up feeling like this three times a month. He hoped that someday in the future there would be no more lost days. That he wouldn't wake up hollow on the inside but with his skin weighed down. Sometimes when he woke up on a lost day his skin felt like a weighted blanket, one hundred pounds sandwiching him to the bed making it all the harder to do anything.  
Sometimes he got “lucky” and a lost day would happen on a weekend. He would wake up devoid of anything or weighed down by everything. He would stay in bed all day and no one would notice. If it was a Saturday or Sunday and he wasn’t expected anywhere, he could just fade in and out of the day in sweatshirts that don’t belong to him, maybe listening to podcasts, but mostly just drifting.  
Today, Doyoung was not “lucky”. He’d had nightmares one after another and had woken up skin tacky and too tight over his bones, his breath sharp and uneven and his rib cage rattling like a box of tic tacs in a backpack. He’d woken after his second nightmare to a clap of thunder and rain pelting the window above his head. Things had only spiralled down from there.  
He had, in panic, pushed his mattress to the other side of the room, as far as he could get from the window, and subsequently, the outside world. Unfortunately, this new position blocked all his access to his closet, and when he woke up, no longer fueled by panic, he lacked the energy to push it back.  
So now he was here, in boxers and in a college sweatshirt that probably once belonged to Yuta or Johnny, eating yogurt. Probably Johnny’s, since it was long on him, and baggy in the shoulders only, letting the hem of his Hanes show. Doyoung distantly recognized the faint pounding he was hearing as not coming from the headache at the base of his skull but instead from someone banging against his front door.  
He got up slowly, feeling a little light headed and dizzy. His feet shuffled on autopilot and he vaguely registered that this was the first time he had gotten out of bed since it was light out. He approached the door and reached out a hand to open it, only to find both his hands full with his yogurt container and spoon. He put them next to his keys and student ID on the entry table and finally pulled the door open  
To reveal a very haggard looking Jaehyun. His normally fluffy, silky hair was wet and plastered to his forehead, his cheeks were pink with exertion, and his dimples nowhere in sight. A bad sign.  
“Are you sick?” Jahyun asked looking Doyoung up and down.  
“No.” Doyoung’s voice croaked, deeper and raw after not being used for so long.  
“Did someone in your family die?” Jaehyun’s voice was getting less and less stable.  
“No.”  
“Is Yuta okay?” Jaehyun’s eyes were big and almost pleading as if begging Doyoung to say no.  
“I think so.”  
Jaehyun started to work himself up then. Some high functioning part of Doyoungs brain registered that if Jaehyun was a cat, his fur would be sticking up now. His shoulders were tensing and getting higher, and his eyes were narrowing by the second.  
“So if you're not deathly ill, no one is dead, and everyone is fine, is there then a reason that you decided to ditch today? Is there a reason that I waited at that pretentious cafe you like with my older sister for forty-five horribly awkward minutes? We made awkward conversation and I texted you so much, but you just didn’t respond. Then I waited another twenty minutes outside the cafe in the rain after she had to go back to work hoping you would show up, like some kind of idiot. I just thought that you were this really great guy and that you were dependable and you wouldn't make a fool of me in front of the one person in my life who’s approval matters to me! But I'm just such an idiot.”  
Jaehyun took a breath. He deflated like a beach ball.  
“She really was excited to meet you, you know? She read up about your major just in case. She took time out of her day and read up about prosthesis just so she could talk to you and then you never came. You never talked to me and now I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know what you could say.” 

Jaehyun looked at Doyoung expectantly, because normally when you drop a monologue on people, they respond. Doyoung just looked right back, eyes blank, and mouth opened dumbly. He snapped it shut and refocused his eyes, making sure to try and meet Jaehyun’s eyes.  
“One second,” Doyoung mumbled as he scrambled to the bathroom and promptly vomited.  
For all of its faults, yogurt had one upside, it wasn't bad coming up. That liminal space became useful and it didn’t make the back of Doyoung’s throat ache by being too acidic. Doyoung was by no means a master of throwing up, but if he were to give advice on the matter he would rate smoothies as the best, then yogurt, and lastly almonds as the worst. Definitely almonds as the worst.  
“And you’re not sick?” Jaehyun asked.  
Doyoung shook his head vigorously from its position over the toilet bowl. In between retching, he choked out: “Fully healthy.”  
“And you’re not a compulsive liar?”  
Doyoung leaned back on his heels from where he was kneeling on the floor and flushed the toilet turning to face Jaehyun where he leaned against the doorway “I am not.”  
Jaehyun was looking expectantly at him.  
“This is just my body’s response to stress.”  
Jaehyun pushed off the doorframe and started to move towards Doyoung.  
“I’m sorry I made you feel so stressed, if you forgot don’t worry. I’m not that upset with you.”  
Before Jaehyun could touch Doyoung’s cheeks with his outstretched hands, Doyoung tilted his head down and away, gazing at the tile.  
“I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything in a minute but can you not touch me right now?”  
“I don’t care that you just puked.”  
“That’s very sweet and I appreciate that, but please I’m asking that you don’t touch me right now. I do need to talk to you. You deserve an explanation, and I’m going to give it to you, but I have been up for hours and I feel sweaty and gross and I just vomited, so I’m going to shower. I promise I’ll explain everything after.”  
Jaehyun looked at Doyoung quizzically for a few moments, tilting his head to the side, before nodding it once.  
“Okay, I’ll wait in your room.”

+++

“Okay. Okay. Okay.”  
Doyoung’s skin was still flushed and his hair still wet, but he was wearing sweatpants and a shirt, both his own. He kind of wished he was wearing Johnny’s sweatshirt, but he also felt that wearing another guy’s sweatshirt while talking to your boyfriend, who was mad at you, was bad form.  
“I’m not mad at you, calm down.” Jaehyun said, like some kind of mind reader. 

“I just don’t know where to start.” Doyoung was more present than before. Throwing up and showering would do that to a person. In the shower, he had done some work Yuta and his therapist would be proud of. Counting his breaths, mindfulness activities, and using each and every one of his EMDR resources. He felt more present at least, not more ready to have this conversation, but in a better place to have it. Having this conversation while still in a slightly dissociative state of mind wouldn't have helped anyone.  
“Okay, well, you know I go to therapy right?” Doyoung started, this felt like well-trodden ground to him, a safe place to begin.  
“Of course, every Thursday at three.”  
“And that doesn't bother you?” Doyoung kept going, he felt like the only way this conversation was going to happen was if he just kept going.  
“Of course not, that would make me pretty hypocritical, seeing as I also go to therapy.”  
Doyoung put whatever he was about to say on pause.“You also go to therapy?”  
Jaehyun smiled. Not a big smile, no dimples yet. “Yeah. I’m not officially diagnosed with anything but I think every adult should be in therapy, therapy can help anyone not just people with, like official mental illnesses”  
“That is the hottest thing you have ever said to me.”  
“Keep talking mister.” Jaehyun said, but the room already felt a little lighter.  
“Right so I go to therapy, but I go because I have, in your words, official mental illnesses. I'm not as mature as you, I’m not sure I would go just to be a better person.”  
“Everyone has their own stories of how they ended up in therapy, it just matters that you’re there now.”  
“Can you stop being so mature about this? Aren’t you supposed to be mad at me?”  
“I feel like you’re stalling.”  
“You’re right...I’ve been in therapy for five years, since I was sixteen.”  
“That was when Johnny was in his accident right?”  
Doyoung breathed a sigh of relief, Jaehyun was making this easier for him. “Yeah. What a lot of people don’t know is that I was with him.”  
Jaehyun gaped like a fish. Doyoung continued.“He was driving, I was in the passenger seat. How much of the accident do you know about?”  
“All I know is that he was t-boned.”  
“Yeah, we were. He was driving me home after a party and it was raining.” Doyoung took a breath and gestures to the still rain splattered window before continued.  
“It was a hydro-planing thing. By all accounts, I got very very lucky. A few cracked ribs and a shattered wrist. It could have been worse, for Johnny it was.” 

Jaehyun let out a breath and muttered “Jesus.”  
“He was knocked out instantly, but I wasn’t. I had to call 911. I had to wait for the ambulance. I couldn't move, my arm was trapped underneath him. I thought he was dead because his head was bleeding. It turns out, it was just a scratch but well, I didn’t know that then. I could see his leg though.”  
“Oh my god.” Jaehyun’s face was pale where he sat on Doyoung’s bed.  
“I couldn't move, I was trapped. I couldn't move or look away.”  
“Doyoung I’m so sorry if I had known-”  
“You didn’t know, I should have told you. Johnny is fine. Mentally or whatever. But I have PTSD. I can get triggered by a ton of stuff, but the big ones are unwanted touch, feeling enclosed and,” Doyoung paused, breathed and continued, “rain.”  
Doyoung stopped pacing. That’s it. Well it’s not it, but that’s a lot, a lot of his life was just put on display. He felt like everything that he kept hidden was keeping him full of air like a balloon and no that he had let them out he was deflating. Jaehyun was still processing, sitting on Doyoung's bed, face slack, but when he sees Doyoung standing obviously exhausted, obviously uncomfortable, he scoots over.  
Sitting next to Jaehyun on his unmade bed, after having just revealing the most delicate parts of him, felt a lot like sitting underneath the crest of a wave before it crashes. He could get dragged into the riptide and spit out, or the water could wash over him refreshingly, leaving him safe and sound.  
Who was he kidding. Doyoung was terrified of the ocean.  
“I’m still processing give me a second.”  
“Okay.”  
“I don’t think your crazy or anything.”  
“That’s good.”  
“And i’m not breaking up with you.”  
“Oh, okay.”  
“Okay?”  
Jaehyun chuckled. That’s gotta be a good sign right?  
“Yeah, I mean getting dumped would just be the icing on the cake of a bad day right?”  
Jaehyun is looking at Doyoung like he’s one of his big philosophical questions he will never really figure out but loves to talk about anyway.  
“Did you really think I would face three months of rejection when trying to ask you out, only to break things off with you once you finally agree to go out with me? Why? Because you’re not the best at communication and have some unresolved stuff from high school? We all have shit.”  
“Yeah, but this is like ultra mega shit, I’m a mess Jaehyun. I’m a mess and I’m probably going to be one for a while, if not my whole life.”  
“Everyone's a bit of a mess.”  
“God, you don't get it! I’m broken. I’m a pot that fell off a window sill, I’m just jagged edges and disappointment. I like being with you, but you’re going to get hurt because you thinking I’m hot doesn’t make me less broken. I’m gonna continue to have bad days, and disappoint you, and be a shitty boyfriend!”  
Doyoung was up again, pacing. He was like a lawyer in a courtroom, but instead of arguing to prosecute someone, it was like he was arguing to throw himself behind bars.  
“You’re not some monster! You’re just a guy with a lot of trauma and that’s okay. I’m not trying to minimize your issues. Like, I’m gonna be a shitty boyfriend too sometimes you know? I like, have this thing about having to always be there, be the most caring and the nicest, and be always super helpful and stuff, and I freak out when I think I’m letting anyone down or if anyone’s mad at me. I think it’s from this whole thing with my mom? When my parents got divorced she got so fucked over, money wise, and she just got really jaded and she always made me feel like a fuck up. So I’m in therapy. And I don’t really have a relationship with her anymore. And because of that whole mess, I’ll probably be a shitty boyfriend too. I’m gonna freak out about letting down a friend or a classmate or my boss, and I won’t always be perfect but that doesn't mean I won’t try. I’m going to try and if I fail I'm going to apologize.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Exactly-”  
Doyoung cut Jaehyun off, “No, I’m sorry for assuming you wouldn't get it. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I’m sorry for this morning too.”  
“Thanks. We’ll be better next time. You’ll tell me and I’ll be more understanding. If you let me in more I can have tools to help you.” Jaehyun spoke in a way that Doyoung could tell he had been in therapy but he didn’t sound like a robot. He sounded like Jaehyun, like he cared.  
“I promise to let you in more just, not today okay? I’m exhausted.” As Doyoung spoke, he flopped back onto his bed stretching his arms out his sides and letting his shins dangle off the end of the bed. A moment later Doyoung felt the bed shift beside him as Jaehyun laid down next to him. They’re both staring up at his ceiling and there were small signs of water damage that maybe he should’ve told his landlord about. He felt Jaehyun’s hand near his own. Almost. A careful few inches separated their hands from touching and Doyoung found he wasn't scared. He wasn’t caged in with fear at the idea of Jaehyun’s skin on his anymore. Doyoung carefully moved his hand up the two or three inches so his hand laid gently on top of Jaehyun’s. Just as his hand touched down on Jaehyun’s hand, however, Jaehyun whipped his hand out from underneath bringing his arms into his sides.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you.” Jaehyun exhaled the sentence fast, each word heavy with sincerity and apology. It was very reassuring and broke Doyoungs heart at the same time. Doyoung reached out with confidence grasping Jaehyun’s hand delicately but with purpose, dragging it towards his own cheek.  
“It’s okay, I wanted to touch you. I might not always want to, but right now I really want to be close to you.” Doyoung smiled. He still felt tired, his bones sagged in his skin, and his smile felt heavy, but no longer wrong. He felt like he had run a marathon and stayed up all night working. Like he was exhausted, sore, and sort of empty, but like he had accomplished something.  
“I always want to be close to you. Always.” Jaehyun was smiling again. Full blast. Dimples. Doyoung thought it was a miracle that his wide encompassing smile didn't get in the way of talking.  
Doyoung shifted then closer to him and Jaehyun got the hint, bringing Doyoung closer until Doyoung’s head was resting on his chest and his legs tangling with his own where they rested half on half off the mattress. Jaehyuns shirt wasn't completely dry from the rain, but it was warm and soft where it pressed into Doyoung’s cheek. It felt nice.  
“Yuta will kill me if I don’t eat before he gets home.” Doyoung spoke into the chest beneath him.  
“Are you hungry?”  
“Not really. But I need to eat.”  
Jaehyun patted Doyoung’s back before pushing him off entirely only to jump up and out of bed. Jaehyun reached his hand to pull Doyoung up. Doyoung took it and stood holding hands next to him.  
“I can cook for you!”  
“Can you cook?” Doyoung’s voice was colored with skepticism.  
“I can make oatmeal, eggs and pasta.” Doyoung smiled and leaned into Jaehyun’s shoulder.  
“Oatmeal sounds perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Charlotte and Bunnie for being the best beta readers out there! If you have any questions about Do-young's PTSD or this fic, in general, drop them below. I have PTSD myself but a different type than Doyoungs so I'll try my best.


End file.
